50 After 50 Read online

  The refreshing fruits of that morning; instant energy from the banana’s B6, magnesium and potassium; the blueberries, apple and kiwi enriching your brain and digestive system. Yet another step away from the storm, away from dementia, arthritis and heart failure.

  These foods are your real allies, guiding your moods and energy levels and providing the core of not only how you feel but who you are. Like a parent with your best interests at heart, these nutrients are on your side, they love you, working to maximise your potential, and your inner serenity, instead of leaving you to obsess about what not to eat.19

  Her recent art show in Mallorca was called “Eat Food,” of which she said:

  Fruit and vegetables are our guardian angels, always there to provide us with health; they are quiet but powerful reminders of why this planet is unique, and all our life within it. Our relationship to them—growing, nurturing and embracing them in our diet—is what truly connects us to the history of life and Mother Earth, to the continuity of our existence, from thousands of years ago to this very moment in time.

  When Trisha lived nearby, meals with her were unhurried, delicious affairs, spiked with wide-ranging, thought-provoking, and witty conversations. In true European style (Trisha was raised on Mallorca), dinners went on for hours. America’s busy lifestyle seems rarely to support such gatherings. But how delightful it is when we can slow down and savor an intimate meal with friends and family.

  I always have considered cooking for other people an expression of caring for them. When someone in my circle of friends had a baby, we would do dinner showers for them, whereby we would each take a day for the month following the birth to drop off a dinner. At this stage, our practice is more often used when a friend is gravely ill or incapacitated in some way. When a friend loses a family member, arriving with food to help console, or at least to relieve someone of having to prepare meals, is customary. At this point in my life, I would rather bypass anything store-bought and gift someone with a homemade food item as an expression of my fondness for the recipient.

  Sharing a meal with another is a bonding experience, as is cooking together. My daughter and I are trying to get my mother to teach us how she makes Filipino lumpia. It is a time-consuming process to make these delectable egg rolls, but it is part of our cultural heritage.

  Now that I am cooking only for myself or a friend or two, I am able to indulge my love of food in a different way than when I was cooking nightly meals for my family. The availability of recipes online has opened a whole new avenue of dishes to try. Sometimes, if I happen to have an ingredient in my refrigerator that I want to use up, I look up recipes containing that ingredient and challenge myself to use the item in a new way.

  I particularly like trying new foods and ethnic food. It is like a gastronomic travel interlude for me. Vibrant saffron coloring my rice can mentally transport me to a trip to India I once took. The smell of adobo and lechon make me think of my mother and Filipino relatives. Fresh salmon conjures up dinners with my Seattle friends. Coconut milk and sugarcane bring back a trek in northern Thailand. Beignets make me remember JazzFest in New Orleans.

  When I travel, trying the local cuisine is a must, even if it looks unappetizing. I challenged myself to try haggis (a mix of sheep innards) while in Scotland, balut (fertilized duck or chicken embryo) in the Philippines, poutine (a pile of fries, gravy and cheese curds) in Quebec, Luwak coffee in Indonesia (coffee made from beans eaten and defecated by civets) and Vegemite (leftover brewer’s yeast extract) when Down Under. I cannot say I loved any of these delicacies, but I enjoyed trying each of them for the adventure and bit of cultural immersion they provided. Unfortunately, I also enjoy trying the kinds of local artery-clogging offerings at state fairs, such as fried Oreos and fried Twinkies, though I am not promoting that here!

  Post-50, I am less worried about my body’s contours. We all know that it takes more effort to keep weight off as we age. So I wear larger sizes now. Oh well.

  Sometimes I eat Ben & Jerry’s ice cream or frozen yogurt for dinner. Or I try a new, outlandish recipe with ingredients I’ve never heard of before. Or I experiment with combining ingredients. Because I can. It is one outstanding benefit of having an empty nest.

  My children were picky eaters. I probably enabled them. While they were still living at home, the cuisine I served my kids was relatively bland, like pasta with butter and cheese and veggies on the side or hidden in the sauce by employing a food processor. Or I would handle dinner like a short-order cook, accommodating each person’s preferences. One of my children did not eat vegetables; the other did not eat fruit. I got both of them to eat raw broccoli by slathering peanut butter on it or hiding it in pesto or tomato sauce on spaghetti.

  I am pleased to share that my daughter became a much more adventurous eater in adulthood. She travels extensively and tries the local cuisine wherever she goes. I certainly have not given up on my son’s gustatory habits. I like to think I set a good example to my children, at least with respect to culinary exploration and adventure. I will admit that my taste for sweets did not serve them, or me, well.

  I used to host elaborate, multi-course dinner parties, mostly to impress people and thereby make me feel better about myself. I was in a neighborhood cooking club for several years and still use some of the recipes from that time. When my children were young, my next-door neighbor and I would, once a week, alternate making a double batch of whatever we were preparing for dinner and share half with the other family. In this way, one time every other week I would not have to make dinner. It was a helpful practice we both enjoyed at a time when we were both ultra-busy with family obligations.

  Food has another meaning for me in sobriety. An important acronym we are taught to abide by is HALT. To preserve our sobriety, we are warned to avoid being “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired,” all of which can be triggers for recovering addicts and alcoholics. Therefore, I keep something to eat with me at all times. I am working on making that something always be an item that is nutritious and not just easy and full of empty calories.

  Make a list of foods you would like to try, whether you would like to cook them yourself or find them at a restaurant. I keep a running list on my cell phone of restaurants I would like to try, and take an iPhone pic of recipes I come across that I want to use. When an opportunity to eat out comes up, I have ready ideas.

  How does food bring joy to your life? Has preparing it become just a chore? Has eating it become just a means and not a pleasure? How can you change this dynamic? Go to a farmers’ market and challenge yourself to make something out of an unfamiliar item. Or relish the taste of fresh summer corn and tomatoes, or whatever else is at its seasonal peak. Deliberately use all of your senses when enjoying food. Food can provide more than nourishment. It can foster connection with others, with the Earth, and with yourself.

  As chef Paul Prudhomme says, “You don’t need a silver fork to eat good food.” The best, most nutritious food is unprocessed, and fresh fruits and vegetables generally cost less than packaged food. Make a commitment to yourself to allow food to be more than just mindless consumption. Let it be a source of health, pleasure, and fellowship with others.

  • 6 •

  Learning and Teaching

  Numerous studies show that mental challenges keep us sharp and may stave off Alzheimer’s disease and related dementia. According to the National Institute on Aging:

  Staying cognitively active throughout life—via social engagement or intellectual stimulation—is associated with a lower risk of Alzheimer’s disease. Several observational studies link continued cognitive health with social engagement through work, volunteering, or living with someone. Mentally stimulating activities such as reading books and magazines, going to lectures, and playing games are also linked to keeping the mind sharp.1

  As one of my grandparents died of Alzheimer’s disease, I imagine that I am at greater than average risk of su
ccumbing to Alzheimer’s later in life. Therefore, I strive to learn new things every day. I also play “Words with Friends,” attend many lectures, and read a good deal. I am lucky to live in a metropolitan area where so many stimulating and free events take place. With the Internet, however, we all can widen our worlds, in ways big and small.

  Why not start a book club? Or join one at your local bookstore or library? I have participated in online book clubs, though my beloved neighborhood book club will be celebrating 20 years together soon. Universities provide free lectures, and adult learning classes are more popular than ever. It is not hard to find ways to stretch your mental muscles or to learn new skills. I still have on my list of future endeavors my hope to learn how to propagate succulents successfully, but here are a few learning experiences I tried.

  8. Exercising My Brain

  The brain is a muscle, and I’m a kind of body-builder.

  —Karl Lagerfeld

  I was alarmed with the brain fog I experienced while pregnant. People assured me that my sharpness would return after the babies were born. Part of me wondered, as the years passed by, whether my mind would return to its pre-pregnancy performance level. I was especially doubtful when I looked at my children’s high school math homework and it was incomprehensible to me. At those times, my brain appeared to be just mush.

  When my children questioned why I did not remember something, I would respond, “The files are full.” I think a lot of my absentmindedness came from constant multitasking and not doing things with careful intention. I used to be so proud of my ability to multitask. What I have come to realize, however, is that my multitasking prevented me from being fully present. I try very hard now to do one thing at a time, and the resulting focus has increased my productivity—counterintuitive to me, but true.

  I vividly remember the time the pendulum swung from my thinking that my parents knew everything to thinking they knew nothing. I was fourteen years old at the time. I assumed my children had similar doubts about me during their teenage years.

  To increase my work prospects, as well as to impress my children, I took the Maryland Bar exam. I was able to take a truncated version because I met certain provisions regarding years of practice as a member of a different state Bar. After the exam, another test-taker asked me which prep class I had taken. “I did not take one,” I answered, as nausea of self-doubt rose in my throat.

  But I passed! What a confidence booster that was for me. I refused to dwell on how I would feel if I had failed. And passing a bar exam as a middle-aged person gave me extra credibility with employers. It indicated that my brain was still working well, and gave me courage to keep attempting to conquer intellectual challenges. I was able to serve many more clients with this new credential.

  Through scientific studies, we know that both nature and nurture affect brain function. We can stave off declining brain function by remaining physically active, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, reducing stress, and exercising our brains.

  How might you challenge yourself intellectually? I have met middle-aged women who have returned to school to get their MBAs, JDs, or other professional degrees. I have met even more who have taken real estate exams to become realtors. Just as our bodies perform better with exercise, so too do our brains. Think about it.

  9. Back to School

  Education is not filling a pail but the lighting of a fire.

  —William Butler Yeats

  The adage that youth is wasted on the young—attributed to Irish dramatist George Bernard Shaw—really hits home with me when it comes to education. I love school. If I could do my college studies over now, I would be a much better student and would be so much more engaged in my classes.

  One of the local universities offers continuing education classes. It seems that most colleges do so these days. And what a treasure it is for those of us who want to soak up new subjects. Often, classes can be taken on campuses or online.

  I met bestselling author Iris Krasnow when she came to speak at my book club years ago. During that meeting, she told me about an idea for writing and other classes she would offer to women in transitional times of their lives. Years later, we fortuitously ran into each other, though I no longer believe there are any coincidences.

  Iris was building a program at American University called LEAD, the Lifelong Education and Professional Development Program, designed to “provide adult learners with the impetus and writing/communication skills to help guide them through significant transitions in their personal and professional lives.”2 Her vision is that “participation in these courses help students make empowered choices as changes arise in family structures, with the growing independence of children, a return to the workplace and/or a desire to shift careers. Taught in an intimate setting, LEAD embraces students in a warm community with like-minded adult women who empower each other through personal and professional transitions.”3

  My favorite classes were her “Voices of Women” class and “Transformations: The Empowered Next Step.” Some of my classmates took these classes multiple times.

  The courses I took from Iris spurred me to write this book.

  I felt a rush of excitement when I first stepped onto campus at American University for my first class. The classroom buzzed with the energy of middle-aged women who were hungry for learning. We bonded strongly during the course, and remain an enthusiastic support and resource group for one another. Iris generously hosts annual get-togethers at her riverside home for us to share ideas and camaraderie. And a Facebook group called the “Why Nots?” has been created by a few of my classmates to post periodic social outing opportunities that any one of us who is available can join.

  I also took a digital media class at the university, led by her colleague, Kimberly Palmer. Kimberly helped me elevate my online presence and learn how to navigate new technology and platform applications.

  My generation are “digital immigrants” when it comes to social media and other commonly used technology; today’s young people are “digital natives,” steeped in the techno world in which they grew up. Using technology is more intuitive for Millennials and Gen-Xers. They cannot conceive of a world that had no cell phones. My children and their friends were unfamiliar with the bulky machine called a typewriter that I took to school. They would laugh if they saw the mainframe computer we used in college. They are accustomed to carrying mini-computers, aka smartphones, in their pockets.

  Even as an elementary school child, my cheeky son tried to charge me money for helping me with computer-related matters. At age ten, he was adept at fixing most of my issues with my computer and my cell phone.

  We in the older generation do not need to be dinosaurs when it comes to modern technology. Resources abound, especially online. You just need to look for them. I am continually amazed with the how-to videos that populate YouTube. I had a problem with robins dirtying my car in my driveway with droppings every day, for example. A YouTube video instructed me to use towels to cover my side-view mirrors when parked. The robins moved on! Apparently, they like to preen in car mirrors. Who knew?

  I also took writing classes at my local independent bookstore. It helps me hone my craft. And another set of eyes looking at anything one has written almost always can improve a piece of writing. In Malcolm Gladwell’s book studying success, he posited that “ten thousand hours is the magic number of greatness.”4 I’m working toward that.

  You may not have time to take a class right now. But you certainly have time to open your mind and learn something new online. I know people who have learned how to play musical instruments via lessons they found online. I learned online how to repair my refrigerator and to get birds to stop pooping on my car. Seriously. I solved both problems by what I learned on YouTube videos. Though I would recommend TedTalks for more advanced mental floss.

  10. Radiohead

  The crowning fortune of a man is to be born to some pursuit whi
ch finds him employment and happiness, whether it be to make baskets, or broadswords, or canals, or statues, or songs.

  —Ralph Waldo Emerson

  For years, friends and family have told me that I should have a talk show. I have a habit of interviewing people, even strangers, and am adept at eliciting information. A woman I met at rehab tearfully told me I had an enormous capacity to make people feel welcomed, one of the nicest compliments I have received. A therapist had told me that I like to ask people questions to deflect them from asking me any, or to keep me from being introspective about the me I abhorred for so many years. Perhaps.

  One day, a friend who hosted an FM radio show called Inside Out had me on as a guest. The radio show, on WPFW in Washington, D.C., was one that looked at politics, culture, and many other things through a lesbian, gay, bisexual and/or transgender (“LGBT”) lens. When a show was done on parents of LGBT children, she extended me an invitation.

  I jumped at the chance. It was fun. It was informative. It was a boost to my ego.

  A short time later, she asked if I would like to be one of the hosts and producers. I accepted and have been doing my own shows once a month ever since.

  I have interviewed the D.C. attorney general, members of the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington, parents of transgender youth, and many more. The shows are available on iTunes as a podcast,5 as well as on the WPFWfm.org website.6

  Live radio presents challenges. Sometimes a caller says something inappropriate or difficult to understand. There cannot be any on-air dead time, so I have to be ready with a comment or question at all times. Sometimes the studio equipment fails, or a guest is late to arrive. All of these happenings have helped me build skills and character.

  Being on live radio has forced me to moderate the speed at which I talk, to breathe evenly, and to listen closely to others while they speak so that I ask good follow-up questions. I sounded unusually breathy during my first solo hosting gig, because I was so nervous.