50 After 50 Page 14
Meditation centers have sprung up around the country. Just Meditate, in Bethesda, Maryland, is a favorite of mine, as is the Shambhala Center in Washington, D.C. Sometimes meditating in a group enables me to practice for longer periods of time and to practice meditation regularly. Gifted meditation leader Tara Brach gives weekly dharma talks in the Washington area, attended each week by hundreds of people. Her talks are recorded for online viewing.1 Meditation retreats have gained popularity, as well.2
It is easy to find guided meditations online. There are dozens of apps for meditating.3 I sometimes listen to guided meditations when stuck in traffic. They soothe me and reset my mood. Meditation can be very simple, however, with nothing more than focusing on one’s own breath.
Sometimes I enhance my own practice with candlelight or aromatherapy. Meditating in a warm bath also is a lovely self-caring ritual.
Catholics call the meditation they practice centering prayer. Meditation is akin to listening for what God has to say. Although a cradle Catholic, I did not learn about centering prayer until I joined a mothers’ prayer group at my church.
I was raised Roman Catholic and attended Catholic schools from first grade through college. I did not know anyone well who was not Catholic until age 18 or so. Other faith traditions were foreign to me. I remember being slightly afraid of the Mormons who would come around occasionally proselytizing door to door in our neighborhood. Fear like mine is often based on ignorance.
The Catholicism of my youth was punitive and oppressive. It was filled with guilt-inducing directives. But somehow it fed me. I now know that many children of alcoholics, like me, have inappropriate guilt in response to their parent’s volatile behavior and rage. Guilt and shame are corrosive. They are something that can be released, however, if we become willing.
As I got older, I disagreed with what I considered to be the man-made mistakes in the Catholic church, such as the prohibition of birth control, lack of female clergy, condemnation of certain healing modalities as sinful superstition, and teachings on homosexuals. I believe that churches often set a high bar, knowing that humans are prone to error but need some goals toward which they can aspire. Now I take what feeds me—like the familiar prayers, ritual, and the Beatitudes—and leave the rest. I’m a cafeteria Catholic.
I explored various faith traditions and tried different churches. I have come to believe that there are many different names for our Higher Power that I choose to call God, and that there is no one right way to honor and pray to Him or Her. Actually, God is likely to not be any gender.
My very traditional ex-husband ridiculed me for some of my spiritual explorations, asking if he might come home and find me sacrificing chickens in the backyard one day. My daughter seemed to like my ventures in woo-woo land. She once said I reminded her of the socialite business mogul in the award-winning television show Grace and Frankie4 before my spiritual transformation, and the hippie-dippie character afterward.
I attended services at a synagogue, a bible church, a Southern Baptist church, and a nondenominational center for spiritual development. I visited monasteries and experienced spiritual cleansing in a sweat lodge. I engaged in family constellation circles. I attended a weekly dharma talk and meditation, and tried a meditation studio. I opened my mind to different levels and methods of practicing spirituality. I learned about animal spirits and other Native American forms of spirituality.
At first, I had to shed the Catholic notion that it is a sin to worship “false gods” by engaging in superstition. Some Catholics believe that anything outside the Catholic catechism is verboten. Believing in horoscopes is considered a sin among some Catholics. I once confessed to a priest that I had gone to a clairvoyant. He forgave me, but directed me to sin no more.
I joined a Unitarian Universalist church. Unitarian Universalism is a liberal religion born of the Jewish and Christian traditions, but with a broad belief that personal experience, conscience, and reason should be the final authorities in religion. I was drawn to their inclusiveness and social justice work. Their slogan of “deeds, not creeds,” attracted me. They are guided by seven principles:
—The inherent worth and dignity of every person
—Justice, equity and compassion in human relations
—Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations
—A free and responsible search for truth and meaning
—The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large
—The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all
—Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part5
Hard for me to argue with these tenets.
Several coincidences happened in short order to convince me that I was being led to this church, though I no longer believe in coincidences per se. My beloved grandmother had joined a Unitarian church and is buried on the grounds of one. One of my closest friends from my Jesuit university took me to his church when I visited him in Boston and he happened to be on the Unitarian Universalist church’s board there. I also had moved to a neighborhood that had a Unitarian Universalist church within walking distance and had attended dharma talks there. I saw friends—even some from my Catholic church nearby—the first time I attended a UU service at the church I joined.
Meditation is part of the Unitarian Sunday services. Meditation, however, need not be formal. It can be as simple as a deep breath before speaking or acting. Practicing the pause has saved me a great deal of pain. A working acronym for my life is WAIT: Why Am I Talking?—a big step for this previously unedited speaker.
It is a form of prayer for me. Praying, for me, had mostly been asking God for something. Meditation is listening for what God has to say. It helps me clear my mind and become grounded in the present. Sometimes, I picture a sailboat crossing on the horizon. My thoughts get “put” in the sailboat, so I can let go of them. Or, I picture a blackboard. I mentally write the racing thoughts onto the blackboard, then erase them. I take a break from the mental noise in my head.
A sea change for me spiritually was asking God what His will for me is, as opposed to asking for Him or Her to allow things to go my way. “Your will, not mine, be done.”
I meditate in many different places. I attend meditation workshops and have gone to a salt cave to meditate. I have meditated atop the red rocks of Sedona, where I could sense the vibrations of the energy vortex there. I can meditate while walking. I really enjoy meditating while walking in a labyrinth, and have considered making one with stones in my backyard. They can be found in churches and parks, as an aid to entering a contemplative state.
Yoga is a meditation of movement. I can do five deep breaths at work or while stuck in traffic to bring my blood pressure down. There are a multitude of guided meditations online. Meditation is something that can be practiced at many times in one’s day and in many places. Even pausing before I speak or react to something is a form of meditation.
Part of meditation for me is dropping the rock (i.e., releasing whatever it is that is holding me down). What is your rock? One of mine was being a people-pleaser and caring deeply about what others thought of me. I used to fret about what I would wear, for instance. I largely let go of that. I used to walk into a room and desperately hope everyone liked me. Now, I enter a room and hope I like them, or at least that I can relate to someone in the room.
In the 12-step meetings, we say we get a daily reprieve from our addictions, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.6 Meditation is a large part of my spiritual maintenance. It changes my view of the world for the better. Before I take on something challenging or potentially triggering, I ask myself whether I am spiritually fit enough to undertake the event or experience in question.
I still attend mass sometimes, and am comforted by the ritual. But I believe tha
t opening my consciousness to other ways of finding my Higher Power has strengthened me. I hope you find yours.
Quiet Down, Little One
—by Heather Markowitz
What grows there
really look closely
unspoken desires wrapping like ivy
. . . Make a clearing for it
let it unfold
guard it from naysayers. . . .
This is your dream, yours alone
What does living the life of your dreams look like for you?
31. Shamanic Wisdom
Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. . . .
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.
—don Miguel Ruiz
A great deal of my journey after turning 50 has been of a spiritual nature. A book of great influence in my life is The Four Agreements, by Toltec shaman don Miguel Ruiz.7 I decided to go on one of his spiritual retreats. I did not even know what a shaman was until my fifth decade, and probably would not have been open before then to going on a retreat with one.
We stayed in a small resort in the shadow of the ancient pyramids in Teotihuacan, Mexico—a UNESCO World Heritage Site. One of our shamanic sessions took place atop the largest of the pyramids. When in the presence of something so much bigger than myself, I could feel the presence of God.
Ruiz has a beatific presence. Peace radiates around him and he has many devotees. His message is of love and he seems to serve as a messenger from a Higher Power.
I had picked up Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, when I was in rehab. It blew me away with the power in its simplicity. It reframed for me the way I look at the world.
Agreement number one is: “Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”8 This agreement may be intuitive for most people, but was not for me. I do not wish to offend people and took pains to appeal to others—exhausting and unnecessary, for the most part, I have learned.
I also took part in gossip, as a way to elevate my fragile ego. I avoid that now. I need not contribute any more negativity to our wounded society. I find better ways to spend my time and attempt to speak only with love.
Don’t take anything personally is the second agreement. “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”9 Before I respond to ugliness from another person, I try hard to remember this. I think about times I lashed out at someone not because of something they did, but because of something else that happened that did not involve them. We cannot know what is going on in other people’s lives that may affect them negatively.
I have seen concrete progress using this agreement. While it still catches me off guard when someone says something mean, I am able to step back and, via my internal dialogue, not take to heart whatever was said. No one can hurt me unless I allow them to do so. I no longer give others that power.
The third agreement is: “Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”10 The people-pleaser in me fought this agreement. But following it has increased the tranquility in my life.
In my current relationship, for example, if my boyfriend is in a sour mood, I do not jump to the conclusion that I have done something to upset him, as I may have in past relationships. I respect his space, while not taking on responsibility for how he is feeling on a given day. I also know that my very active dog can be a demanding companion, but have asked my boyfriend to tell me if he needs a break from my pup so that resentments do not build and so that I do not feel guilty when I leave my dog with him. We work hard at communicating our needs clearly and before ill feelings can erupt. We cannot read each other’s minds.
The last agreement is to always do your best. “Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”11 This agreement helps me forgive myself. I try to remember to do the best I can with whatever my resources allow, and to hope that others are doing the best they can as well. I do not want to be an apologist for others’ bad behavior, but I recognize more clearly when someone’s struggles with things that have nothing to do with me color their behavior.
Each of the Ten Commandments can be found in these four agreements, yet the four agreements provided a fresh way in which to view my daily choices. There also is overlap with the teachings in my 12-step program. All are pointing me in the direction of living in grace. Before making a decision, I now ask myself, “Does this decision move me toward or away from my goal of living in grace or being the best version of myself that I can be?”
One of Ruiz’s less conventional teachings is that we choose whether to love our life partners each day. At the time of the retreat, he was living with his girlfriend and his ex-wife, who is the mother of his children. Each day, he asks himself if he chooses to love his girlfriend that day, and she does the same. They agree they will stay together for as long as each decides to love the other. I am not sure I could subscribe to this sort of living arrangement, but I can affirmatively choose to love my significant other each day.
I incorporated this teaching into my life, in that I view love as something that must be tended to or it likely will wither away. I express love and appreciation daily to those closest to me in my life. The thought of choosing love each day strengthens it.
Are you open to the teachings of a shaman? If so, I would encourage you to check out don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements. Its simple, but deep messages have changed my life for the better.
32. Good Vibrations
In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.
—Albert Camus12
I like retreats. For me, they are an opportunity to step back and reflect, away from my daily life.
I attended a spiritual retreat organized by Soul Purpose Productions, designed to raise our individual vibrations and the vibrations of our planet. It was a little bit woo-woo, and involved some clairvoyant encounters. It fed my spirit. The women seem to lack self-consciousness of the hindering type.
There is an annual holistic/psychic/yoga festival called Karmafest that Soul Purpose Productions started in 2005.13 It attracts hundreds of different types of healers and vendors and more than 3,000 attendees from all over the mid-Atlantic. The workshops were fascinating. The topics included using your intuition gifts, spirit guides and angels, belly dancing, encountering the goddess within, using high vibrational crystals to enhance spiritual development, and many more. I particularly enjoyed the musical performances and was able to dance like no one was watching, since everyone else there appeared to be doing the same (and because I am consciously trying to practice being uninhibited). In some ways, being there felt like being transported back to the 1970s, complete with a psychedelic painted bus as a backdrop. At one point, I found myself lying in the grass, looking up at the sky simultaneously experiencing delight and relaxation, surrounded by like-minded people who also wanted to find their soul purpose. It was a far cry from my buttoned-up lawyer life in D.C.
Years ago, I took a modern dance class at a local studio. It was a disaster. I was not comfortable enough with myself to get over my feeling of awkwardness. A hip-hop session I tried was even worse. But if I took either of those classes now, I believe I could truly enjoy it, despite my lack of skill. I would likely be as poor a modern or hip-hop dancer as I was years before, but I wou
ld not care. The point is being able to let go, which is not something I easily could do prior to hitting the half-century mark. Let’s drop the rock and live out loud.
Retreats abound, nowadays. There are even summer camps for adults, if that is more your style. Get away. Just for yourself. You may return with a different, more nourishing outlook.
33. Healing Self, Healing Others
Each of us has a unique part to play in the healing of the world.
—Marianne Williamson14
A few years ago, I would not have been open to the practice of Reiki. Reiki is healing that involves channeling energy to activate the natural healing processes of the subject’s body and restore physical and emotional well-being. Both Reiki and other healing modalities are a regular part of my life post-50.
Reiki is becoming more available in clinical settings. “More than 60 U.S. hospitals have adopted Reiki as part of patient services, according to a UCLA study, and Reiki education is offered at 800 hospitals,” reports The Washington Post.15 When I was fostering babies awaiting adoption years ago, I would go to the hospital to touch the premature infants who had to remain there. Babies who do not experience human touch often fail to thrive. Maybe I was unwittingly performing Reiki many years ago with the babies in my care.
According to the International Center for Reiki Training:
Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.
The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words—Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy.” So Reiki is actually “spiritually guided life force energy.”