50 After 50 Read online

  Creating art allows us to view objects, people, landscapes, and just about everything in a different way. The number of styles and myriad of media available makes creating art an endeavor accessible to all. When traveling in third world countries, I have seen people make art out of garbage. I have seen planters made of used tires and plastic bottles. In an African art gallery, I bought an antelope head sculpture completely constructed out of aluminum soda cans.

  While beautifying one’s environment with art is a commendable endeavor, the process alone of creating art is healing. It is a sensory process. Remember how good it felt to finger paint when you were a youngster?

  It does not matter if what you create is “good.” We all know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is the process of creating that can feed our spirits.

  15. Stitchery

  I’m always tinkering with something—suddenly I’ll think I can work with wood, but then I’ll realize I can’t, so I go back to sewing.

  —Melissa McCarthy

  There is something in making things by hand that elevates my self-esteem. I bought an inexpensive used sewing machine on a Facebook online yard sale in my area and took up sewing.

  I had not sewn anything since the 1970s, when my aunt enrolled me in a Singer sewing class at a local fabric store and I produced a few groovy outfits. I began this time around by sewing pillow covers that I filled with pillows I found at thrift shops or at Goodwill. I also sewed a loose-fitting, washable slipcover for a beat-up ottoman someone had given me. The fun fabric I found on Etsy provided a shot of color to the room I put it in and gave the ottoman new life.

  Partially because of my semi-wild dog, whose puppylike energy seems to have little chance of dissipating any time soon, I have nothing precious or expensive around my house. And as much as can be is of the washable variety.

  My stitches are not perfect, but they are serviceable, and I now can make things I do not wish to buy, and for a fraction of the cost. Plus, I have something to show for my labor that presumably will stick around for a while.

  Do you have a craft or hobby you have wanted to try? Needlepoint was something easy for me to learn. I was not able to master knitting, however. . . .

  16. Work It

  Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

  —Confucius

  With a certain amount of luck, perseverance, and resourcefulness, I found jobs I love. It suits me right now to have a flexible schedule so that I can write and travel to see my son’s theater performances. Therefore, I currently have several part-time jobs.

  I was able to marry my love of books and desire to learn new things with selling books at author events. I work part-time for the largest independent bookstore in Washington, D.C., and attend fascinating lectures for free at the events at which I work. I can choose which events interest me. This work has given me the chance to meet many of the authors, such as Malcolm Gladwell, Mark Shriver, Melanne Verveer, and former U.S. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. I have had opportunities to hear some of the greatest thinkers of our time such as, in my humble opinion, Hillary Clinton, Floyd Abrams, and Ta-Nehisi Coates. Hillary Clinton may be divisive on a political level, but she is the smartest person I have ever met. I was lucky to work with her on a legislative matter during her husband’s first presidential term and was struck by her ability to absorb and command a tremendous amount of information. She has a brilliant intellect.

  People’s surprised reactions when they see me as a bookseller at author events say more about them than about me. Some of them know I got divorced and look at me with pity on their faces. Some treat me like the lowly hired help. The first time these things happened, they bothered me. They no longer do. I have internalized the lesson that what other people think about me is not my business.

  I love books and am able to buy them at a deeply discounted price where I work. I get to know others who share my love of books and take classes by other authors. It is a buzzing literary and learning hub that has begun to host teach-ins on various issues. I am glad to be associated with this fine institution.

  I also work part-time as an attorney for two law firms that don’t just transfer money between corporate behemoths. They help real people with real problems. In one recent case, I represented an immigrant family–owned subcontractor against one of the biggest commercial contractors in Washington. While at the arbitration, the opposing counsel behaved in a smug manner, touting his client’s overreaching contractual language. The arbitrator ruled in my client’s favor. The amount of money my client received in the lawsuit represented a large percentage of the small company’s annual revenue. It was a drop in the bucket for the commercial contractor. The clients were so very grateful and I was proud to represent them.

  My other job is writing. Prior to this book, I published two children’s books, one adult nonfiction book, and numerous articles.14 When I do book talks, I sometimes receive a cash honorarium, and I usually have the opportunity to sell my books at the events. What I love most is the exchange of ideas I get to have with my readers. Freelance writing also provides extra income. Many publications and blogs pay freelancers, and I subscribe to free services that send me writing opportunities.15

  One summer during college, I moonlighted as a house cleaner on Cape Cod. I also waitressed while a college student, and would do it again. As an older person these jobs would be physically harder to do than my current jobs. But I love food, talking to just about anyone, and seeing people get pleasure from food. Some people in the circles in which I used to socialize would likely look askance were I to become a food server. But honest work is honest work, and what other people think of me no longer governs my opinion of myself. I cannot change what others think, so I am challenged, as Viktor Frankl admonishes,16 to change myself. The better I feel about myself, the less regard I have for external affirmation.

  What are things you like to do? Many of my friends have started new jobs and careers after passing age 50. I know a woman who became a lawyer at age 70, and two who became nurses in their 40s. Several of my co-50-year-old friends started residential real estate and life coaching practices. I have a friend who left the law to start a music program for children, and another lawyer who left to start a cake shop. I have met executives who have left lucrative jobs to teach young students. We all have the ability to remake ourselves.

  Do some research about what is available in your job market. Consider going on some informational interviews. I called a woman I know who had a cupcake food truck when I thought a mobile bakery might be something I would like to do. After meeting with her and learning about the permits required and the costs involved, I decided to pursue something else. But I would still be wondering about having a food truck if I had not at least made some inquiries.

  TaskRabbit is a service that matches freelancers with local demand for help with everyday tasks and errands, including cleaning, moving, waiting in line, grocery shopping, deliveries, and handyman work.17 More than 60,000 people work via TaskRabbit to provide consumers with immediate help from vetted, background-checked people. It is based on the idea of neighbors helping neighbors. “It’s an old school concept upgraded for today,” the company says. “We call it service networking, and it’s changing everything.”18 Some who work with TaskRabbit parlay their freelance work into permanent positions; some use it between jobs and some simply like the flexibility of TaskRabbit work when it fits their schedules.

  If you like to do crafts or make things, Etsy makes it easy to sell your wares. I have sold a few paintings via Etsy.com. It is a nice way to support small businesses, too, if you need a gift for someone. The price points are generally lower than in retail marketplaces.

  I generally do not enjoy selling things, but I dabbled in selling skin care products from home via Rodan and Fields. Some of my friends have success selling jewelry and accessories for Stella & Dot. I tried home
sales, but did not love it. In the vein of life being too short, I gave away my inventory to someone who was better at sales.

  Driving for Lyft or Uber is also a great way to supplement income with a flexible schedule. I met a widower who considered his Uber job a lifeline to the world. He was retired, with not much going on in his life at that point, and enjoyed meeting people via his driving job. I looked into being a driver for one of these services and another that was being launched for women only, but my car is not big enough (these services require four-door vehicles to be a driver and mine is only a two-door mini car).

  Are you an amateur chef or good tour guide? Airbnb is now matching travelers up with people who provide cool experiences for travelers.19 Service givers can be creative in their offerings, like offering prepared picnics, home-cooked meals, a session teaching anything you would like (for example, the history of a neighborhood or how to cook the specialty of the city you live in) or outings to whatever you like best about where you live. Talk about getting paid to do something you love!

  If finances are not an issue, think about volunteering. There are many places that would benefit from your time and skills. Make a list of what interests you. For example, do you like working with children, with animals, with senior citizens? If you play an instrument or know how to do a craft, nursing homes often welcome visitors to share with their residents. One of my friends conducts collage-making sessions at a local assisted living facility. Another has read from her book at a nursing home. I really enjoy public radio, so I applied to volunteer at National Public Radio.

  Maybe there is a nonprofit institution whose work aligns with your values. Most nonprofits can use help. TaskRabbit has a service called TaskRabbit for Good that connects their “taskers” with local nonprofits to work together to drive change and make a positive impact.20

  Make a call or click online today. Make some extra money. Better yet, make a difference in the world, one day at a time.

  17. Mixed Remixed

  I am a story.

  —MixedRemixed.org

  “What are you?” Human? Definitely not what the questioner was seeking. Because I appear ethnically ambiguous, people sometimes let their curiosity overwhelm their manners.

  It was not until after I turned 50 that I got to know lots of biracial people like me.

  The Mixed Remixed Festival in Los Angeles is the largest gathering of mixed-race people in the United States. I learned about it from a friend who has biracial children. I applied to present my first book there, and was selected to be on a panel of mixed-race children’s book authors. What I found was a home.

  There were talking circles, workshops, films, poetry readings, topic panels, and music. The conversations were about shared experiences using language with nuances that differ for mixed-race people. We talked about how we navigate cultural identities. We discussed the double consciousness we employ outside of the festival. It was a place of deep learning for me, as well as where I finally felt understood.

  I found my peeps at Mixed Remixed and plan to attend this affirming event every year. I learn more each time about navigating mixed heritage and racial terrain, and gain a stronger sense of belonging.

  Where are your peeps? We all have a natural inclination to want to be with people like us, at least to a certain extent. Our melting pot country is rich with ethnic organizations and festivals, and even genetic communities.

  Finding one’s genealogy and genetics via such organizations as Ancestry.com and 23andMe has become popular for those who do not know much about their ethnic mix. Most people are much more racially mixed than they know. Have you spent time investigating your cultural roots and seeing how your people celebrate?

  Former secretary of state Madeleine Albright learned at age 59 of her Jewish ancestry.21 She was raised a Roman Catholic after her family fled Nazism. I suspect Jewish heritage was covered up by many who feared persecution during World War II.

  Delving into the past can be a tricky thing. Maybe it should be called “Ancestry.Do-You-Really-Want-To-Know” instead of Ancestry.com. My friend who works for an adoption organization has seen DNA testing complicate many lives, for example, when affairs or other family secrets are revealed.

  Are you interested in exploring your cultural heritage? Attendees at the Mixed Remixed festival who had tested their DNA for clues about their genetic backgrounds told me about finding birth parents or learning that who they thought were their parents were not. Some learned about Native American ancestry of which they were previously unaware. One learned that her grandfather, who had given her father up for adoption many years ago, lived right down the street from her.

  It may not be necessary or desirable to do a DNA test, but there are many other ways to learn about your ancestry and the ways of the people from whom you came. I wish that I had taken some oral histories from my grandparents and other relatives when I had the chance. The Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C., is a repository of a great deal of cultural information and artifacts. There are cultural centers for many ethnicities in most urban areas and much information online. Have you ever explored the stories of your grandparents or other kin? What will you learn?

  • 7 •

  Social Activities

  Human beings are social beings. Isolation is anathema to an alcoholic, and to people in general. Research shows that remaining socially engaged can maintain brain vitality and possibly stave off dementia.1 According to the Alzheimer’s Association, “research found that sports, cultural activities, emotional support and close personal relationships together appear to have a protective effect against dementia.”2 Because one of my grandmothers had early onset of Alzheimer’s disease, I personally strive to stay active physically, mentally, and socially, to reduce my chances of a similar fate.

  18. Dating for Dowagers

  Don’t look for a partner who is eye candy. Look for a partner who is soul food.

  —Karen Salmansohn

  What does dating look like for those of us over 50? What is our ideal in a partner? While before it may have been “bad boys,” head-turners, or those who could offer us financial security, for most women I know, kindness tops the list in this chapter in our lives. But how would I find appropriate gentlemen with whom I would like to keep company?

  I had a brief foray into online dating sites, with little luck. Before getting advice from more seasoned chums, I would accept dates based on the assumed veracity of the candidate’s profile. I wanted to believe the embellished profiles, reading them as if they were a high-end catalog or a well-written menu. One guy’s photo was at least 10 years younger than he appeared when we met. In the photo, he had hair. In person, he was bald. I do not mind baldness. I do mind the dishonesty in his presentation, however. This guy also overshared intimate details about his life on the one and only date we had, and invited me to go away on a trip with him on his private plane to Machu Picchu. Then he told me he was still married but his wife had denied him sex for years. I was, for once, happy to be short because I was able to dodge his attempt at kissing me good night at the end of our date.

  My second Match.com date was pleasant, until the man started expounding on how women should behave, in his opinion. As a fairly unedited person, I am a fan of strong opinions, but I felt as if I had stepped into a time warp while listening to his conservative views. I knew he was not someone with whom I would like a second date.

  Disenchanted by my online dating experiences, I changed strategy. A girlfriend suggested I try speed dating. There is an organization in many metropolitan areas called Professionals in the City. They organize events and group them by age range and other categories. I first attended a reception for people over 50. It was disappointing, so I planned to try a speed dating event with my friend. One boring evening, however, I saw online that one was being held nearby, so I jumped in my car and decided to give it a try.

  The room crackled wi
th excited conversation, as people tried to make memorable first impressions. Four minutes were allotted to the singles, who ranged in age from young 20s to early 50s. The name Professionals in the City implied that attendees were “professionals” of some sort, though that was not always the case.

  It was a fascinating microcosm of social interaction. It was ethnically and racially diverse. Guests were invited to stay after the speed dating portion of the evening to mingle and dance. Hookups did take place, and couples were able to connect online via the organization’s website, if they wished—or not.

  Though some of the speed dating events are separated by age range or other categories, the first one I happened to go to was not. The women are seated at small tables. Every four minutes, a bell rings, signifying that it is time for the men to rotate to a new table. The first man to sit at my table was young enough to be my son. He said he thought I was in my 20s. I showed him my license and he seemed shocked. Made my night.

  I was flattered by the few men I met who were young enough to be my son yet earnestly tried to interest me in a date. They were not deterred when I showed them my license with my birth date. I ended up coaching two of the youngsters on how to beef up their opening lines and job descriptions when meeting prospective women.

  I found the whole thing fascinating. I enjoyed seeing how a man would present himself in four minutes. Afterward, guests were invited to hang around for drinks and dancing. The mating ritual on display. I planned to write an article about the evening, but my editor wanted a first-person account. I was unwilling at that time to be that self-revelatory.

  I met only one man that night who held my interest with his easy conversation and interesting profession. We ended up dating for almost a year after that night, though it ended badly.